Here we go, my (in no particular order) list of signs that you’re all grown up.
1.A heatwave is announced and instead of organising a trip to a beer garden you work out exactly how many loads of laundry you could get dry in one day (if you use the fast wash cycle, turn the extra rinse off and squish multiple loads on the whirlygig.)
2.You always know exactly where the nearest toilet is and can direct people to places via cinemas/coffee shops/petrol stations that will let you use their toilets without making a purchase i.e. establishments that built their facilities in such a place as to allow you to avoid walking past the counter.
3.Your handbag is actually a fully loaded supplies pack. Gone are the days of a tiny clutch bag containing one lipstick, a phone and a twenty pound note.
- 3 nappies of varying sizes (babies have sudden growth spurts at the most inconvenient moments),
- 2 packets of wipes,
- 2 boxes of plasters (one with a generic child friendly design and one plain, normal person version),
- 4 mini boxes of raisins (why is it that the gold plated travel sized shrivelled up grape wannabes always go sticky and globule-like quicker than the bog standard big bags?),
- A hairbrush. Yes I know you probably always carried a hairbrush but probably not a Minnie Mouse one because it’s the only one that has the magical ‘no ouchies’ formula.
- Sippy cups. Some full. Some empty. Some fresh and some that now sound solid when shook yet you’re fairly sure once held milk.
- Calpol (I tend to carry the sachets as I like the excitement of whether or not they’ll explode in your bag, however I generally forget a spoon and people tend to look at you oddly when you instruct your small child to ‘just drink your medicine from the packet…it’ll be fine’),
- Tissues. I bet you feel really organised when you are able to produce a tissue at any point and for any occassion. Let me tell you a secret. It’s not that you’ve always got a sensible supply of tissues…..it’s that your small person or persons are using them for their intended purpose (and multiple other purposes!) and returning them to your bag.
- Small toys. You know; matchbox cars, Happyland people, mini books, the whistle you swiped off that over-priced comic before you handed it over, 3 Barbie heads (I’m willing to admit that this one may only apply to me personally), Grandma’s missing car keys, those tiny pencils that liberate themselves from Argos or Ikea or the bank.
4. You develop your own units of measuring time. “How long can I play X-Box?” “Until I’ve finished this coffee.” “How long does it take to empty and reload the dishwasher?” “1.5 episodes of Paw Patrol.” “How far is it to town?” “6 twelve verse versions of The Wheels on The Bus”. Time actually loses all meaning full stop, you start using prompts around you to determine the time; Popmaster is now starting = just past toddler naptime. Increased levels of whinging to be heard = probably meal time. Heavy rain storm after hours of sunshine = definitely time for school run.
5. You sway. It’s actually ridiculous but completely true. Standing in a checkout queue all by yourself – you sway and gently push the trolley back and forth in a soothing motion. Holding your new puppy at the vets – you sway and people look at you oddly like you’re the mad lady who thinks her pets are her babies (despite you also dragging along four small children, one of whom singlehandedly empties the entire water dispenser with immense pride)
6. You find yourself using bizarre references during conversations. For example; someone is expressing concern about how minority groups can be isolated and ostracized and you begin a monologue regarding your concerns about the Wattingers in ‘In The Night Garden’ and how they are obviously not considered as upper class as their neighbours the Pontipines. Or you are part of a chat about gender stereotyping and you make the very valid point that noone is quite sure whether Tinky-Winky is a miss or a mister but noone minds him carrying a handbag around.
7. You utter phrases that you swore you would never stoop to:
- “Because I said so, that’s why”
- “It’s like blackpool illuminations in here”
- “If the wind changes your face will stay like that”
- “You’ll get square eyes”
- “Don’t make me count to 3” (mainly because you don’t even have a clue what’s going to happen once you get past 1……2……2 and a half…..2 and 3 quarters……I’m still counting…..)
- “I don’t care who started it….I’m finishing it”
8. You know the absolute best places for hiding nice chocolate from unappreciative palettes; inside a bag of frozen peas, behind the hoover, inside a packet of toilet roll (no-one will ever find it there because no one ever bothers to change an empty bloody roll).
9. You’ve developed your very own coded way of speaking to allow you to have conversations that may be not appropriate for little ears. For example trying to discuss an outing within earshot of small people “shall we go the P.A.R.K. and take a P.I.C.N.I.C?” Unfortunately CircusHusband is not the best at this skill.
It would be more like “lets D.R.I.V.E. to the beach and B.U.Y. ice…… I mean I.C.E.C.R.E.E.M.S” to which a Monkey would reply “you mean A Daddy, icecream is EA not EE”
10. You get very excited about peculiar things. These include, but are not limited to: The price of heating oil (ooh shall we order it at this price or give it a few days and see if it drops??) Paint colours (hmm should we have ‘muted hessian’ or ‘barely-there beige’) Tupperware (I’m actually concerned that I have an addicition. I get very animated if I discover an as before never noticed variety) Energy ratings (ahh now see, this oven may be £400 more expensive but it’s rated A for energy usage so would save us money in the long run).
So there we have it. I could have probably come up with a few more but I am worried about my use of screen time and the electric bill that I am currently racking up and whether or not Ryder and the pups saved the sea turtles and whether tomorrow will bring oil prices of 45.7p per litre or the unthinkable 45.9p per litre……..it’s hard work being grown up.
Welcome to my world